Primary Colors

I enjoyed this "conversation" in today's NY Times between David Brooks, the conservative all liberals can agree on, and Gail Collins, a columnist for the paper. Here's an excerpt, in which Brooks kicks off the dialogue:

Gail,

I watched “Recount” on HBO the other night and learned a bunch. For example, did you know that Republicans are evil yet efficient, while Democrats are noble but slightly too good for this world? I also learned that Republicans stole the 2000 election from the Democrats even though the media recounts afterwards showed that Bush did indeed win Florida. It’s amazing what you can learn watching HBO.

I mention all this because we’re supposed to be discussing the merits and demerits of the Republican and Democratic primary rules. I think the Republican rules are much better, albeit in an evil and ruthlessly efficient sort of way.

The Republicans like winners and disincentivize losing. Hence the profusion of winner take all primaries. They got a nominee efficiently and cleanly. Wham, bam, thank you Fred.

Each candidate got a chance to be front-runner — Rudy, Fred, Mitt and John — and since the first three weren’t able to sustain the magic, John got to be nominee in short order.

The Democrats, being better people, wanted to make sure everybody gets a prize each primary. After all, it’s unfair for there to be just one nominee. We’re all nominees in our own way.

The Democratic race now threatens to stretch on until 2012. Even the winner can’t really win. If I were working for Obama I’d look at those gigantic losses in West Virginia and Kentucky and I’d sweat bullets. He’s been robbed of all momentum by the silly rules. The holes in his support have been ruthlessly exposed.

It all goes to confirm the old saying that all historical rivalries pit one side that is right but repulsive against another side that is wrong but romantic.

Temporal Anomalies = Headache

Back to the Future makes my head hurt:

"Follow this: let us suppose that Marty is unable to repair the damage he has done; let us further suppose that no one else intervenes to repair this damage. (It would be possible that somehow George and Lorraine would still meet and marry, perhaps after high school, under other circumstances, and Marty would still be born; as unlikely as it seems, it is important to remember that Marty does not have to be the one to fix the timeline, as long as the timeline is repaired.) Now George does not marry Lorraine, and Marty is not born. Since Marty is not born, he does not return in Doc's time machine; and therefore he does not interfere in the meeting of his parents, and therefore he is born, and therefore he does. These two alternate histories would repeat in perpetuity."



My favorite part of the entire movie takes place at the 3:55 mark in the above clip.

There. I said it.

Over the past seven days, I have watched (read: been subjected to) the season finales of America's Next Top Model, Gossip Girl and American Idol.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go do something manly like kill a bear or carve something out of wood:


Oh, wait. That's all wrong.

Fukudome Is My Homie

If you don't feel quite right about merchandise featuring this image being sold outside Wrigley Field, POOCHIE & Co. think you're a hater:

1. POOCHIE
the horry kow!! FUKUDOME IS NOT RAICE THIS T-SHIRT IS FUNNY I FEEL THIS T-SHIRT SHOULD NOT BE BANDED FROM SEELING AROUND THE PARK. I GO TO SOX PARK AND THEY SELL WRIGLEY FIELD'S LARGEST GAY BAR T-SHIRT THERE FOR TWO YEAR'S NOW WHY HAVEN'T THEY BANDED THEM!!!!!!!!!

2. fjdoreza
I am Japanese myserf and I get the joke, and personarry I am not offended by the notion that some Japs can't pronounce the Retter "L" wow that was difficurt to say...It should be however sperrd Whowry cow! Its offensive because it's not very clever and besides we Japanese can pronounce L's when we feel rike it.....

3. POOCHIE
i feel this is funniest t-shirt ever sold that's why it is the hotest shirt sold in wrigly field and every one want's to purches them at any price!!!!!!! so don't be a hatter!!

Did I say POOCHIE & Co. think you're a hater? I meant hatter. Damn spell check.

Huxtable Residence

When I was a senior in college, my roommates and I would amuse ourselves by reading plot synopses for "The Cosby Show" on our TV's digital guide. We just could not get enough of them. If that strikes you as a strange pastime for three young men in the prime of their youths then I am guessing you've never pondered the absurdity of the following episode descriptions:

• Cliff forces the entire family to hold a funeral for Rudy's dead goldfish, Lamont.
• Clair sues a mechanic who performed work on Sondra's car; Rudy does not want to go to the museum; Cliff teaches the kids how to do household chores and also cooks a soup with a cow's tongue.
• Sondra and Elvin break up - again!
• Theo and Cockroach decide to listen to a recording of "Macbeth" instead of reading the play; Cliff picks a snowball fight with the neighborhood children.
• Everybody loses when Vanessa and her friends play a drinking game at an unsupervised get-together.

And who could forget the classic episode entitled, "Cliff Teaches Dan Everything He Needs to Know About Parenting"?

Cooleyhighdorkified

At some point during my impressionable youth, my sister convinced me that it did not make fiscal sense to purchase "single" cassette tapes. In other words, why pay $5 for a gem like "(Everything I Do) I Do It For You" when you can own a masterpiece like the Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves soundtrack for a mere $15? And that, my friends, is how I wound up purchasing the following album:


Good thing I never owned the Boomerang or Bodyguard soundtracks. Because that would be really embarrassing.

White People Make Me Sad

The first two minutes and thirty seconds of this video is worth a peek if either of the following statements apply to you:

1) You're under the impression that West Virginia is a liberal bastion that's progressive in every way.
2) You're looking for definitive evidence that certain Americans should be excluded from the democratic process.



Are you like me? Did your head just explode?

"It's gonna be tight, y'all!"

Several of the broadcast networks announced their fall-season lineups this week. Surprising no one and nauseating all, NBC confirmed that Jimmy Fallon will succeed Conan O'Brien as host of the "Late Show" in mid-2009. After throwing up in my mouth a little upon reading this news, I took solace in the fact that Fox is rolling out a new comedy that revolves around this man:


That's right, kids. Cleveland Brown, the (exceedingly gentle) voice of reason in Quahog, will have his very own show on Fox this fall. I don't use the word "hero" lightly, but I've long considered Cleveland the greatest hero in American history. So, this spinoff comes as welcome news.

Bono Was At Harvard

Seven years ago this month, I graduated from college. Our commencement speaker on that rainy May morning back in 2001 was U.S. Senator John McCain (R-AZ).


According to The Daily Pennsylvanian, the University of Pennsylvania's independent student newspaper:

The assembled crowd went wild when McCain came to the podium, cheering for the senator as he proceeded to entertain the crowd with a self-deprecating address similar to the one given by President Bush at Yale University that same day.

Sounds like a pretty raucous scene, no? The crowd (of hungover 21-year-olds) went wild? Not exactly my recollection, but whatever. It would be interesting to see what sort of reception McCain would receive this year given his present perch atop the Republican ticket. Something tells me he'd have to be pretty damn self-deprecating to elicit cheers from what I'd imagine is an overwhelmingly pro-Obama student body.

Is R. Kelly responsible every time a 14-year-old is micturated upon in this fair city?

I'm not certain whether the R. Kelly trial constitutes news outside of the Chicago metropolitan area, but around here it commands front page headlines and top billing on the nightly news. In case you're not up to speed, Kelly has been indicted on 14 counts of soliciting a minor for child pornography and has retained the gentleman below as his legal counsel:


Now, don't get me wrong - I celebrate R. Kelly's entire catalogue. But when your defense attorney looks like an unholy cross between "the other Jeffrey Lebowski" and the Emperor from Star Wars, I have no choice but to question your innocence.

Baby Fishmouth

In the interest of preparing Koufax for the arrival of our daughter next month, Amanda and I have been walking around our condo with a newborn doll. We have "fed" this thing, changed its clothes and even equipped it with a comically oversized diaper; Koufax has been predictably uninterested in the whole charade:

Curious to see how Koufax would react to me singing to the "baby," I performed Rock-A-Bye Baby over cereal this morning and, for the first time in my life, the beloved nursery rhyme's lyrics struck me as odd:

Rock-a-bye baby, in the treetop,
When the wind blows, the cradle will rock,
When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall,
And down will come baby, cradle and all.

So, the baby is seriously injured, right? In a best case scenario? Sweet dreams, little one.

Creating a blog is alarmingly easy

Coming up with content, on the other hand...  Not so much.  That said, I consider myself at least as qualified to be a blogger as Bob Maplethorpe is to be a getaway car driver: